I got broken up with on Thursday.
I'm sad that it happened, but I might just be even more sad about how it happened. I suppose the fact that it happened is really all I need be concerned with.
This is how I DO feel:
-anxious for answers
-a little spaced
-I want him to be happy, but hate that he may be happier without me
-sick of relationship advice (I'm not in one and I'm not looking)
-like I can dance past my pain
-breathing is harder sometimes, but necessary
-this phrase: The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Really?
-I lost one of my very best friends
This is how I DON'T feel:
-like I can't eat
-like I cant sleep
-that it's my fault
-as though I've wasted my time
-as though I've wasted my poetry
-sick of my friends turning most of this into a joke
-it's a good idea to go into denial and think we're getting back together
-like less than a whole person
I love DJ. Two days isn't enough time to make that go away. I do wish this wasn't happening. I do wish he would speak to me. However, if this is what he needs, then I jsut wish he finds some happiness.
I wish I could be a little bitter and more angry, but I'm not sitting around getting upset about the fact that we broke up. Just sad about the things that we said we wanted to do together and the things we wanted to see together, the experiences we wanted to share.
This just feels so...unfinished.
DJ never was my entire life and he isn't now. But over the past year, he became so integrated into it, that reminders are everywhere.
I am not lost. I am not without hope about my future or love of my present. I'm alive, I am able-bodied, I am educated, and I am entering the last leg of my undergraduate career.
Priority one is not falling apart.
To my friends and family:
I am fine. Soon I'll be okay, and eventually, I'll even be great again. Thank you for your support and love through this. Thank you for letting me need you. I'm sure I will be borderline annoying for the next few months as I attempt to keep busy and distracted, Please bear with me. Also, don't de-friend DJ on facebook. I don't want him thinking my friends are that petty.
To DJ's friends and family:
This may be a little presumptuous, but hell it's my blog. Please, be nice to him. I'm sure he needs that right now. I hope that my silence doesn't translate into "Ashley must not have cared for me very much" because nothing could be further from the truth. It's just that I know how awkward exes can make things and I'm not interested in being that kind of ex. I do care and I do love, but you were his first and it's not fair to try and make him share.
My heart is broken, but not my spirit. I hope, one day, I'll get my friend back.